Make sure to say “I love you, honey” after hanging up on your wife today. You know why? Because if what happened to a man in China happens to you, you’ll be as dead as Colin Quinn’s career. The man was killed last week—I guess news trickles slowly out of China—when his cellphone exploded, breaking an artery in his neck. Ouch.
This is a sad occasion, of course, but one that can prove to be educational. The Dos and Don’ts of cellphone use, if you will.
• Don’t use third-party (or used) batteries, since they’re not always “up to code,” as it were. If your battery dies, best to get one directly from Motorola or Nokia or whomever and not some guy on Canal Street.
• Limit your time on the cellphone. Whether or not cellphones cause cancer still hasn’t been proven one way or another—won’t we be in for a surprise in a few years if it does!—but, mathematically, the longer you keep the blasted device next to your head, the better the chances you have of it blowing out your skull.
• Don’t microwave your phone. I had a friend who once microwaved an iPod in an elaborate scheme to defraud Best Buy out of hundreds of dollars but ended up looking like a complete idiot instead. He wasn’t hurt, unfortunately, but it stands to reason: it’s not exactly a good idea to microwave your cellphone.
• And other common sense. (Common sense isn’t common at all!)