Nothing says “well dressed man” like fine cufflinks. On the other hand, nothing says “I have no desire to date” like these cufflinks. Available from Etsy, everyone’s favorite peddler of homemade haute couture, these clay Mario Mushrooms come in your choice of a pair of green or red. Or hell, mix the two if you want. You’re the master of your destiny.

They’re a bargain at $24, plus you save money by never having to buy a girl dinner.