The Back Burner: Things we didn't post this week

Next Story

Craigslist Competitor OLX Raises $13.5M

A big thank you to everybody for filling our tips at crunchgear dot com inbox with wonderful, unique, and newsworthy items. Here are five that we just couldn’t get to this week.

Investment Offer

Attention: President/CEO

I have a client from Jordan who is interested to invest  39 Million Dollars in your country under your supervision and directives. Exclusive details upon your positives  reaction to the offer.

Forward via email your contact details, name and address, direct telephone numbers/mobile for further discussion.

Regards.
Bernard Jean
+44 70 45758966
bbjffzz@aim.com

CG RESPONDS:

Hi Mr. Jean. Our President/CEO has left for the day but I can help you out with this request. Here are my directives for this investment;

Please use the $39 million to attempt to purchase every pair of pants west of the Mississippi River. I realize $39 million might not be enough to buy ALL the pants, but please buy as many as possible. If you can, in fact, buy all of them — great!

Then please burn all the pants. If people complain about having no pants, please advise them to purchase new pants from East Coast manufacturers or suggest that they wear dresses, skirts, and/or whatever kilts may be available. Thanks and talk to you soon.

ricing car parts.

Dear Sir,
How are you, let me introduce my self, I am Richeard and Iam from China, I am one of the best in source or making new car parts, In China if you need to buyer or make high performance car parts, stock car parts. before I have copy many performance car parts for USA and australia and south America company, whit aluminum, alai, brass, cast iron, copper, metal, I can work whit you and your company to ensure your company product meet your company requirements. if you have drawing or a sample you like to copy or make, you can send to me, if you are a big company and need to have a representative office in China please let me know, please contact me for more info.
Your sincerely
                 Richeard Chan

CG RESPONDS:

Hi Richeard, I’m fine. You? What a clever way to spell your name! Are you in a band of some type? I like how musical people all spell their names a little differently.

All of us here really need car parts pretty badly since we all work from home. I don’t even have a car but I could really use a new transmission, maybe for people to sit on or as a coffee table. Could you fashion a chair that looks like a transmission but could also be used for “ricing” in case I buy another car in the future? I’d definitely buy one of those.

Don’t understand, hope u can help

This company are your premier CANADIAN on-line pharmaceutical. We presenting doctor’s recommendation medicines and non-doctor’s direction products. You can buy Canadian remedy’s from us at above 80% off, when compared to your district drugstore.

For branded name or generic health instruction drugs from CANADA this firm are your Canadian drug store.

We ship global.

You do not need a health direction.

Start saving now:

http://www.news-prestigious.com

CG RESPONDS:

Hi there. Okay, I’m just gonna come right out and say it; I think it’s a little presumptuous to ask for help with something (see e-mail subject) and then it turns out that the thing you need help with is actually your unsolicited e-mail pitch. That takes brass ones, Bub.

Please see Richeard’s above e-mail for an example of a great pitch. He comes out and introduces himself politely, gives great examples of how he can help us with cheap knock-off car parts, and then ends the message with a bunch of “let me know if I can help out with anything” pillow talk. That’s how you do it. You don’t just sit there yelling like a cave man and capitalizing every letter that has to do with Canada. That’s bush league.

Dear Friend,

Dear Friend,

Contact Mr john ben and ask him for a cheque worth of USD$3.2Musd which I kept for your compensation. His contact information is below:

Name:Mr.john ben Email:
john.ben90@yahoo.fr

phone no. +229-934-349-90
Contact him right away and ask him to send the cheque to you. Barr.mark joel,

I DID NOT FORGET YOU,

CG RESPONDS:

Uh, yeaaaah. I called John Ben and guess what? He was a complete a-hole about the entire thing. He was like, “Who told you to call me?” and I was like, “Mark Joel e-mailed me,” and he was like, “Mark Joel died ten years ago!”

Anyway, he really doesn’t seem too interested in cutting me a check for $3.2 million. He said something about “not your money” or “you don’t just ask for that much money” or “why would I give you all that money” or whatever. I wasn’t really listening. Help, please?

Wanna feel her contractions again?

Wanna feel her contractions again?

Blow your mind with Viagra on http://rose.1accesshost.com

Occasions should be numerous!

I think that none of us were surprised when we were asked to see Mrs. Harker a little before the time of sunset. We have of late come to understand that sunrise and sunset are to her times of peculiar freedom. When her old self can be manifest without any controlling force subduing or restraining her, or inciting her to action. This mood or condition begins some half hour or more before actual sunrise or sunset, and lasts till either the sun is high, or whilst the clouds are still aglow with the rays streaming above the horizon. At first there is a sort of negative condition, as if some tie were loosened, and then the absolute freedom quickly follows. When, however, the freedom ceases the change back or relapse comes quickly, preceeded only by a spell of warning silence.

CG RESPONDS:

Do you mean, like, do I want to get her pregnant? Because the answer is definitely, “Not right now, thanks.” I do appreciate that you’re looking out for me, though. It’s like, hey do this thing for this pregnant girl but blow YOUR mind! That was a curve ball for sure.

I also like that you gave me a nice gentle story to read after all the contractions and numerous occasions. I really related to Mrs. Harker and how she felt that sunrise and sunset were her times of peculiar freedom. I do a lot of peculiar stuff around those times, too. She ALMOST sounds like a werewolf but I’d have to read the entire book to find that out, huh? Anyway, thanks for the e-mail. I’ll buy some Viagra when I get paid this month.

Click here to read previous Back Burner posts…

blog comments powered by Disqus