Dear Satan:

Thanks for thinking of us this Easter. We purchased your Imaginarium Spiral Train Set on sale at Toys R’ Us and our wee one — you’ll feast on his soul soon enough, my old friend, just as you did on his mothers and mine — opening it this morning. Let me tell you about the fun we’ve had trying to keep it together! The tracks rarely stay put, the motion of the trains over the rails knocks it out of alignment, and the spiral “situation” as we’re calling it makes the entire thing as stable as a starlet on a speedball binge — you just never know which orifice is going to squirt blood or which rail will fall off and make everything else fall down with it.

I’m down with the tracks being compatible with Thomas the Tank Engine but Tom is all like “No WAY am I going on that” and his friend Percy won’t even talk to us. It’s just your cheesy, potentially lead-paint free knock offs on those tracks this joyous holiday, and since the wheels don’t really turn well pushing them on the rails is a crap shoot. After all, we have all day to keep rebuilding the damn thing every time the train makes a rotation instead of relaxing on a holiday weekend, right? Anyway, we’re not going to recommend this toy to other parents of train obsessed younglings but we’re forever in your debt for killing the Czar and his ministers, making Anastasia cry in vain, so I guess we’re even.

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