The Back Burner: Things we didn't post this week

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NBC and Netflix sitting in a tree, S-H-A-R-I-N-G

A big thank you to everybody for filling our tips at crunchgear dot com inbox with wonderful, unique, and newsworthy items. Here are five that we just couldn’t get to this week.


Subject: Razors and Clippers — Inoformation please

Good Day,

   My firm manages a large network of online business and private clients. With the holiday season fast approaching a number of them are searching for both men’s and women’s electric shavers and razors. Also beard trimmers, epilators, clippers etc.

   Therefore, we are looking to find a quality source to direct our clients to for their Hair trimming needs. We have reviewed your website and it was felt that you might be a good source to work with and to feature for our clients. Please contact me at [phone number redacted] so we may discuss this further.

Regards,

Jon Thomas

CG Responds:

Good day to you, sir! Your letter states that you have reviewed our website. Please advise as to where you might have possibly gotten the idea that we’d be a good source of information for men’s and women’s electric shavers. I would like to know this information for my own personal use.

We’re constantly looking for new avenues of revenue creation here at CrunchGear.com. As such, we’d like to wholeheartedly agree to help you with your clients’ hair trimming needs. I noticed that you capitalized "Hair" and I’d like to tell you that I don’t blame you. Hair is important. I used to have long hair and girls wouldn’t talk to me. Now I have short hair and I’m getting married in a month. To Hair!


Subject: Advertising Rates?

Hi,

I was wondering how much you would charge to advertise on your fashion and clothing related website. I have clients looking to place small text based ads on sites like yours. If you are interested let me know your price and if you prefer to be paid via PayPal or check? I prefer the ads be placed at the top, middle, or bottom of the main content area of the site. However, I am sure we can work out placement. For more information please email me and checkout http://www.authoritysites.com our FAQ site which should answer most of your questions. I look forward to selling your advertising space and adding your site to my inventory. Please email me with any questions.

Thanks,

Paul White

CG Responds:

Thank you for your inquiry! You, like Jon Thomas, are clearly seeing things on our site that we’re not. While we welcome Hair enthusiasts and fashion mongers the world over, I think I can speak for the rest of the writers here when I say that our website is one of the last places people would be likely to visit for fashion and clothing tips.

In lieu of accepting payment for fashion-related advertisements on our site, I’d like to offer to tell you what I’m wearing right now; a blue shirt, brown corduroy pants, gray socks, and Crocs sandals. Sandals! In the middle of winter! And with gray sox, no less! You’d be doing your clients what I call a "disservice" by advertising here.


Subject: BREAKING: Twisted, Alternative Video e-Cards

Hi Doug,

Rattlebox, http://www.rattlebox.com, is officially launching its edgy, alternative videogram site next week. Below is the press release and it has no embargo. Would you be available next week to speak with CEO Nancy Miller?

If you don’t have the cycles for a story right now, at least take a quick break and see what they’re all about. If your sense of humor is a little off like ours is you’ll love these.

Feel free to contact me via reply email or at [phone number redacted]. I look forward to your rants, raves and reviews. Please let me know if you’d like to cover this exciting launch!

Best,
Jen

CG Reponds:

We’d like to take this opportunity to politely and delicately set some ground rules for PR mailings, mostly concerning the definitions of certain words. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

"BREAKING" is to mean something that’s happening right now, mostly related to news items that affect either part of all of the entire industry. An official videogram website launch happening a week from now likely wouldn’t be considered breaking news.

"Exciting, Edgy, Alternative" are all examples of words that have a tendency to be overused. I personally don’t mind them all that much but some editors set up e-mail filters targeting similar words. I’m more than happy to entertain anything about "Excitebike" though. Also "EDGE" data speeds, provided it has to do with those speeds getting faster.

Finally, I’m not quite sure what "If you don’t have the cycles for a story right now" means but I can almost guarantee that I’m not afraid of anything and I have the biggest cycles you ever did see.


Subject: Thanks

                         GOOGLE INTERNATIONAL LOTTO AWARD

Dear Winner,

This is Google International Lotto Award, a non religious and non racist organization formed to unite the human race in their religion/belief, as we believe God is one and human beings are one not withstanding your religion, race, education or political background.

Dear, you have been selected as one of our lucky winners in this our inaugural lotto awards which was organized in the spirit of Ramadan and the forth coming Christmas.
The draw was conducted via computer programmed selection system which saw your email address win in the 1st Category with the following information;

Your ticket no: DI-8923412
Serial no: 654213
Insurance no: 57025
Winning no: DI/418906
Winning amount: £1000000.00 Pounds

Be informed that this 2007 lottery award and payments starts on the 15th September and ends on the 31st of December, 2007.

Your are therefore advised as a matter of importance as it concerns time factor: to contact immediately the director of payments informing him of your winning with the winning details

We wish to congratulate you over your winning as we pray that you will contribute in making the world a peaceful place for human race.

Yours truly,
Elizbeth Olk

CG Responds:

YES! I knew it! Pooling our money for  the non-religious, non-racist, Google-sponsored lottery has finally paid off! Wait, how come the payout is in British Pounds? And how come our ticket number and the winning number are different? And how come you spell your name like that, without the A? Did we really win the non-religious, non-racist, Google-sponsored lottery or is this just some ingenious ploy to get at our Social Security holdings?


Subject: i need a hacker

hello there friend my name is dickson youngers from malaysia i hav little problem conclude my work and will realy need your help , i am a business man buy trade and run my busness arround the world, i will be very glad if you can come to my resqur and you will be very well payed after every deal , and the money is good .
i hope to here from you real soon

CG Responds:

Dickson Youngers? Is that you? THE Dickson Youngers from Fantasy Business Camp, summer of ’95 in Northfield, Minnesota? Well how the hell have you been, you old son of a sea cook?! Still fighting the urge to use that old shift key to capitalize things, I see. That’s so Dickson.

I can’t believe you’re in Malaysia! How is it there? Hot? I’d love to come to your resqur, what’s on your mind? I’m not a great hacker by any means, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night, buwahahahaa!! Get it?! Do you get those commercials there? Dude, they’re off the charts. So funny.

Anyway, good to hear from you. Keep in touch!

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