The Back Burner: Things we didn't post this week

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Cellphones can kill you

A big thank you to everybody for filling our tips at crunchgear dot com inbox with wonderful, unique, and newsworthy items. Here are five that we just couldn’t get to this week.


Subject: Dear friend

Dear friend

It is a pleasure to contact you in reference to the transfer of US$9.5M into your account for onward investment such as (precious stone marketing, Industrial Project and Estate Building Management) in your country. Presently, the money in question was initially deposited in a bank here in Burkina Faso but has been transferred and it’s on hold in "Monaco France", for  further correspondence. Please, if you are interested, Email me on : kachalaau@centrum.cz so that I can give you more information.

Expecting your prompt response.

Regards,
Wuba Kachala

Reason we didn’t use it: Wuba. WTF, bro? I thought this was between you and me. Everyone I work with saw this e-mail. I’m in deep shit, my main man. How many times do I have to tell you not to send stuff to the tips address? Jesus. Do you realize how much of a conflict of interest it is for me to be writing for CrunchGear but also doing precious stone marketing and Industrial Project and Estate Building Management on the side? You can forget about me plugging our new company on CrunchGear now. Idiot. By the way, Monaco is its own country, dipshit. It’s not in France. We look like complete fools now. Why do I have to do everything around here? Tell the kids Uncle Doug says hi.


Subject: house auction

auction

Reason we didn’t use it: I tried but apparently some people seem to think that alternating reds and blues mixed in with some hot-ass lime green doesn’t look cool on a website with a color scheme that already burns everyone’s retinas. Seriously, it looks like Big Bird got loose in an orange grove and puked everywhere but we can’t mix a little lime green in here from time to time?


Subject: Bottle Holder

bottle

This is one of the bottle stand that we are producing… We have a lot more to show you. 

Please open link: http://newitem-design.blogspot.com/  new item design.

We welcome changes on our existing design and sizes. We may also be able to produce special and unique design’s for your customer need and requirements.

If you have something in mind, please feel free to email me details & specification….pictures & hand sketch are highly appreciated if no drawings provided.

Please discuss with me your requirements.

Regards,

Febie Joy Dumayas

Reason we didn’t use it: Hi Febie. My requirements are that you resend the above photo without sitting on it first. You’re in the big leagues now. Time to get your act together and start focusing on your marketing practices. I feel bad that Google had to even transport this through its mail servers. Hope all is well, talk to you soon.


Subject: Donation From Lady Jenny Peters

Hello Dear
My name is Lady Jenny Peters I am a dying woman who has decided to donate
what I have to you/church. I am 59 years old and I was diagnosed for cancer
for about 2 years ago immediately after the death of my husband
who has left me everything he worked for and because the doctors told me I
will not live longer than some weeks because of my health I decided to
WILL/donate the sum of $2 500 000 two million five hundred thousand
dollars to you for the good work of the lord and also to help the
motherless and less privilege and also for the assistance of the widows.

I wish you all the best and may the good Lord bless you abundantly and
please use the funds well and always extend the good work to others.
Contact my lawyer/Abogado Sr Pedro Antonio
with this pecified email address:advocatepedro@ozu.es
and tell him that I have WILLED $2 500 000.00 to you and I have also
notified him. I know I don’t know you but I have been directed to do this.
Thanks and God bless.

NB: I will appreciate your utmost confidentiality in this matter until the
task is accomplished as I don’t want anything that will jeopardize my last
wish.

From Lady Jenny Peters

Why we didn’t use it: Lady Jenny, I contacted you for more information about this e-mail you sent. Specifically, you say that you are going to donate what you have to me/church. How much goes to me and how much to church? Because church gets money all the time in cool looking wicker baskets that everyone passes around. My wicker baskets have boring stuff like clothes in them. Nobody passes money to me like they do to church so I just want to make sure that I’m getting the lion’s share of this payout when you kick the bucket. I tried to contact your lawyer Abogado Sr Pedro Antonio but I had trouble understanding him as a result of his delightfully eclectic African-Mexican accent. He said something about motherless something-or-other but I wasn’t sure if he was quoting what you said at the end of the first paragraph or yelling at me. He is a very excitable man, to say the least. Please respond.


Subject: Tester gesucht: Gratis Kondom & Bierzapfanlage gewinnen

lay1

Sie erhalten diese Mail, da Sie einen unserer Services (Anzeigenmarkt, Gewinnspiele, Informationsanforderung) teilgenommen haben. Wenn Sie keine weitere Mail mehr wünschen, melden Sie sich hier ab: http://www.bestnetz24.de/letterit2/ausgabe?liemail=tips@crunchgear.com&libid=1 Bei technischen Problemen, Email mit Betreff "LÖSCHEN" an info@bestnetz24.de

Why we didn’t use it: Man, I’ve never wished I could read German more than I do right now. It appears that you’re having a special deal involving a bierzapfanlage and kondoms? I can only assume that biezapfanlage means some sort of beer-dispensing apparatus and kondom means, well, you know. Plus, I figured that the 10 or so condoms in that photo must have something to do with something. I’ll keep this up here for our German-speaking friends and ask that they let us know how everything works out but to please not send photos. Off weeder shane!

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