Alright, I’ll admit it. I’m arachnophobic. It’s like my only fear. Well that and germs. But that’s the only other thing. Aside from little people and gingers, though those aren’t so much of phobias as paranoias (there is collusion between the two to overthrow the world’s governments, sending us spiraling into apocalyptic chaos as they rise up [to the height of their tiny statures] to subjugate and enslave us—seriously, I saw it on Fox News).

Anyway, getting back to spiders. The Gotcha! Spider Catcher promises catch and release for arachnids and it’d probably also work for insects, small children, etc. Think Bass Master for stuff you wouldn’t want to eat (unless you’re a cave dwelling ginger).

Why one wouldn’t just use a fly swatter to smash the little bastards is beyond me. Equally befuddling to my tiny Southern intellect is why anyone would actually want to catch a spider. Spiders are the devil and therefore must die—I read it in the Bible.

Direct quote: Look at me, I’m British! God Save the Queen from this arachnid threat to the decency!

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