On Valentine’s Day, as I was perusing Time Out New York looking for something
lame romantic to do, I came across a roundup of music-activated sex toys that you can plug an iPod into. It got me to wondering: Just how far does the iPod’s reach extend into our lives? I decided to see how many different ways one can incorporate the iPod into a typical day, and I admit, I was shocked.
It’s 8AM. Your iHome iPod alarm clock gently rouses you from sleep with a thumping rendition of Wham’s Wake Me Up Before You Go Go. As you groove your way out of bed, you grab your iPod from the alarm clock and slip it into your iPod-ready boxer shorts or panties, heading for the bathroom.
In the john, you transfer your iPod from your skivvies to your iCarta toilet paper dispenser so you can rock out on the crapper as you read the latest issue of Macworld. Flush, and you’re ready to clean those pearly whites with your musical toothbrush. While it’s not iPod-compatible, it does play roughly two minutes of songs like We Will Rock You by Queen. A real iPod toothbrush can’t be far behind.
Time to scrub away the previous night’s partying. Grabbing the iPod from the TP dispenser-dock, you fire up the shower and shove your iPod into your iPod shower radio with fog-free mirror. Ignoring your neighbors’ insistent reminders that the shower is not a karaoke bar, you croon along with Bobby Darin until you’re all clean and ready for action. The iPod goes into a fresh pair of iBoxers, and it’s time to dress for success.
You pick out a versatile outfit for the day, including an iPod t-shirt and a dress shirt and tie from Thomas Pink–each of which have compartments specifically for iPods. Then you slip on your iPod-controlling jacket, and you’re on your way to work so you can afford your iPod accessory habit.
You get your James Brown on while you
annoy the crap out of your fellow commuters ride the bus or train to work and then put in a solid day at the office–thanks partly to the portable iPod speaker/dock on your desk. At the end of the day, your commute home is blissfully groovy, thanks to a little Prince and some noise-isolating headphones.
Arriving home, you kick off your shoes and make another quick iPod switch as you plop down in your iChair for a little R&R (rock and relaxation, natch). After a few refreshing tunes, your stomach begins to make some noise of its own, so you head into the kitchen for some chow. Snatching your iPod out of the iChair, you sprint into the kitchen and jam it into your under-cabinet iPod dock so you only miss a beat or two while you cook.
Once your post-dinner food coma wears off, you’ve got a little nightlife on your mind. You cruise down to the local pub in your Mini Cooper, being sure to bring your iBreath iPod breathalyzer so you can keep a digital eye on your drinking, especially after tying one pretty hard the other night. Luckily, it’s got a built-in FM transmitter too, so you can continue enjoying those Lindsey Lohan tracks in your car.
A couple of drinks and a few lame conversations later, you and a new friend head back to your place (after a quick blow into the iBreath to be sure you’re cool to drive) for a nightcap… and maybe a little lovin’. What better way to impress your lover than with iPod sex toys? The Talk2Me is one hot little number that comes with a wireless transmitter so you can incorporate your iPod into your lusty late-night moves. (Just make sure you turn off shuffle mode–nothing’s more embarrassing than having a vibrator buzzing along to P-Funk, and then all of a sudden Barry Manilow comes on.)
At the very end of the night, as you drift off to sleep, you quietly slip your iPod into your
Australian New Zealand-designed Pause bed, complete with iPod dock and Bose speaker system. A little Enya carries you off to dreamland with the security of knowing that your iPod is close by, charged up and ready for the weekend.
I wonder how much connectivity is too much. Sure, we’re all music lovers to some extent, but the iPod seems to have reached disturbingly far into our lives. It’s getting kind of creepy–though not as creepy as the idea of having a subdermal iPod so you can bop along no matter what else you happen to be doing (except crossing the street, of course).
Uh-oh… I think I left my iPod in the john.